Shorts
by Addira
Summary: Many many shorts about Human behaviour that baffles Turians! Enjoy - rated M for mentioned Adult Material -
1. Vibrating Uvula

**H**uman **B**ehaviour for the **E**veryday **T**urian:

"**Vibrating Uvula"**

Fem!ShepardXGarrus Short

Addira

Part I – Rated M

Part II (after fade to black of doom) – Rated T

"I must say Shepard," The turian turned towards the Spectre as he commented. "I'm not surprised you bought the tank VI but it does surprise me that you didn't try to reprogram EDI to do it instead." He cocked his head to the side as he saw Shepard grin at him.

She wore her comfortable N7 hoodie and her feet were snuggled up to her bum on the chair. She had wrapped her hand around her legs and rested her head on her knees, but when she had that grin…

"You already tried didn't you?" He snickered.

The Shepard he had gotten used to know responded with a broad smile and a slight chuckle. She was, by far, the only woman he was able to even slightly read. Other women, turians included, were just so different and _loved_ to send mixed messages.

"_Tried_ being key there, Vakarian." He chuckled once and added in a lower more sensual tone, one that he started to use often. (But no matter how many times Shepard heard it: the effect remained the same as the first.)

"I'm sure you just wanted a challenge. You don't go on for long without some sort of entertainment." He picked his glass with the wine inside and, putting her feet off of the seat, she met her glass with his. A light _ding_ noise came out of their contact.

"Agreed." She took many sips from the content of the wine. Garrus was right: This was the good stuff. Levo* & dextro amino acid friendly. One of the only things that Shepard knew of that was compatible with both systems. She moaned as she savoured the newer wine.

"Now this…" she started.

"Is the good stuff." Garrus finished as he nodded, glad of his purchase.

Shepard started to nod but then froze. Garrus noticed the change, mainly the absence of movement, and walked towards Shepard and sat down right next to her.

"What is it Shepard?"

"We've just reached that point in our live Garrus…"

He arched his _turian-eske_ eyebrow, urging her to continue.

"…where we finish each others sentences."

"Oh no…" Garrus added slightly sarcastic. Shepard turned her body towards him with one arm along the sofa headboard and her hand in her hair. Her other hand was lightly pressed on Garrus' thigh. "What are the others going to say?" He added with a slight purr in behind. He leaned back onto the backboard and received Shepard onto his lap.

It was actually quite easy now to move around Shepard. Before he would bump into something or she'd accidentally brush his extended torso trying to kiss him and so on, but like anything else: practice makes perfect. And after 6 months of no practice … one didn't need to say that they didn't waste time _greasing up the old wheel_.

Garrus put his hands on her hips as she put her index under his chin. He flapped his mandibles once. "Nothing if we have anything to say about it." She smirked devilishly to his reaction: a purr and a snicker. He felt her hand ride up his thigh.

Garrus reached up behind Shepard's neck and pulled her down towards him. It wasn't long before her lips met his lip plates, and wasn't long after when their tongues, her soft small warm pink tongue and his longer rougher bluer tongue, met and danced together better than they ever could… actually: more than _she_ ever could.

After a couple kisses he could feel Shepard move around on him, trying to remove her hoodie. Without much thoughts put into it, Garrus helped Shepard removed the garment and she tossed it away in the empty space behind her. It probably hit a lamp since they both heard something fall and possibly break.

"Oops." Shepard said between kisses.

"Hmm hm." He agreed, much like she had not a couple seconds ago.

She smiled as he agreed with her almost absent-mindedly.

She kissed him deeply then put her forehead on his, only cutting him off from her lips for but a second. As she had hoped, Garrus understood exactly what she wanted from him…

****.****

Something was different from what was usually going on to his side. Garrus had fallen asleep on his left side on the bedside opposite to the alarm clock and had Shepard's hips wrapped real nicely and snug. They still had a couple drips of sweat on their brow but that never stopped them before.

He looked down at Shepard's still very inflated mark at the start of her neck just right off to where her shoulders ended. He remembered the time where he had sunk his teeth into her _unexpected_ thick flesh. It had been at least 2 weeks since he had done so and the marks were still slightly red. He wondered if an allergic reaction was the cause of the inflammation… he was worried her body might of reacted negatively to something so private and personal.

But she had convinced him to bite, to not resist. When he had told her that biting was a normal reoccurrence in the turians she deduced that he had an overly strong urge not to bite her every time they shared a bed.

…

or hotel room, car seat, deserted farmland – Now that one was amazing,

He didn't expect her to understand the _need_ to mark but she did and she let him. At least now he isn't so tense when she turns him on or when they both initiate a move.

Statistically speaking, the urge for the turian to bite their mate - ultimately claiming them, was the main factor of 62% break ups in turian/non-turian relationships.

Garrus was glad that he got Shepard… Spirits! She was beautiful… for a human.

He had received many messages from his friends asking him why he evolved to like aliens. A xenophiliac. But it wasn't the fact that Shepard was human, it was the fact that Shepard was Shepard.

And she had a great ass.

He heard the sound again.

That one sound that made his stay… different. It sounded like a low inhumane growl. He knew it wasn't him – no, he was in control of his purrs and growls. The only possible explanation was the rumble came from Shepard.

There it was again!

He pushed himself up onto his elbows and looked down at Shepard in slight confusion, frowning his features. Her blond hair was getting longer by the week and they were spread all over her pillow. Her face was in no pain, no focus, and in no hurry. It was peaceful and calm, unlike the _awake_ version of the same face. Her mouth was slightly opened as it usually was. He remembered joking about how little insects could crawl into her mouth as she slept. She countered by saying that the average human, while sleeping, unintentionally ate an _olive jar worth_ – whatever that meant- of spider legs and dust over the course of a year. He remembered it perfectly because Tali had reacted to the _spider_ part and they all had a good laugh.

Shepard groaned and frowned a little before reaching over to the covers and brought them back up to her now exposed shoulders. Garrus figured she had gotten used to sleeping with nothing, but her body's temperature apparently sought out the same warmth as if she were wearing some sort of night attire. One night he woke to find her completely infolded in the blankets, stolen his pillow and her legs were wrapped around his waist.

There it was again! He was convinced the sound originated from Shepard but he didn't have the heart to wake her and ask.

"EDI?" He asked.

The blue bulb appeared from the stand next to the door.

"Yes officer Vakarian?" She answered.

"What is that sound?" He asked.

"That is called _snoring_. Shall I give an explanation?"

"Yes."

"Please wait. Ah yes, taken from the _Human behaviour for the everyday Turian_:

Snoring, as referred to in human terms, is a sound that occurs while humans, and some asari, sleep.

A _snore_ is a grunt or rumbling sound that derives from the mouth caused by an obstruction in the oral anatomy. The breath taken in by the human will provoke the uvula and soft palate to vibrate, which makes the rumbling sound.

Many known celebrities have been known to snore, such as Jahona Skillis –_Citadel_ asari actress, Harry Furthermore – renown human anthropologist, and even Greato Humn – human daredevil.

Snoring may indicate a breathing problem and it may go as far as blocking airways to the lungs all together. The condition is called sleep apnea, a temporary cessation of breathing. Otherwise the snorer becomes a nuisance to ones partner.

Snoring gets louder and more aggravating with age."

Garrus looked down towards Shepard as the snoring became constant and easy to block out. He brushed the hair off of her brow and smirked.

He wondered if she knew she snored.

"That's all EDI."

"Logging you out Vakarian."

He felt Shepard move beside him and he looked down to see Shepard half awake looking at him with her eyes half open.

"Hey…" She smirked. She was awake enough to see Garrus' bare chest and to remember the events that led up till then…

"Shepard: you snore." He put plainly, flapping his mandibles.

She chuckled. "Yeah… I know. Usually I wake up before you so there's no way you could of found out."

"I was very confused for a minute there."

She smiled with her half opened eyes and reached up with her hand, touched his scars on the side of his face. "I knew you'd find a way to figure it out."

"First you cut off your hair, now you growl in your sleep. What else do I need to know?"

"I bleed uncontrollably from my uterus once per month."

"… What?" He was taken aback there… unexpected would be an understatement.

She giggled at his face, brought it down to hers and kissed his nose.

"You shed twice per month and have an exoskeleton. The joys of being with an alien: knowledge."

"And adventure." He added sensually.

She chuckled closing her eyes and looked back up at his face.

"For an adventure indeed." She smiled as Garrus gripped her waist and tugged her back towards him to nuzzle his nose in her hair.

"How about we watch those vids Joker gave you?"

He chuckled. "I'm game."

* Weirdone17: Why thank you for pointing that out


	2. It Turns Red

**H**uman **B**ehaviour for the **E**veryday **T**urian:

"**It Turns Red"**

**2**

Fem!ShepardXGarrus Short

Addira

Shepard quickly felt the motherly vibe Chakwas was emitting. She had her one-piece bathing suit with a large scarf like side skirt on her hips that reached her knees. She also had her towel and a virgin daiquiri. Frankly, it surprised Shepard that she didn't get the booze. _I don't get drunk unless it's Serrice ice brandy Commander._ She had replied.

"Remind me to never challenge you to a swimsuit competition."

Chakwas chuckled and as she sipped from the straw. "I may have the body Shepard but you have the muscles and battle scars."

Shepard burst out laughing, probably a little bit harder than she thought she would. "Are you kidding Doctor? Vega wins for the muscles!"

"You just wait until those tattoos of his stretch out, then we'll see who has the best beach body."

Shepard snickered. "I don't know Doctor, have you seen my tattoos?"

"Actually I have, Commander. It's trophies inked under your skin." Chakwas chuckled warmly.

Shepard smirked. She, unlike Chakwas, didn't show off her body. Her insecurities triggered that. Ever since the Lazarus Project, Shepard had gotten small tattoos here and there to make her body her own once again. She was even tempted to fight without any protective headgear in the hopes that she'd get a scar there but… her visor was way too reliable to fight without.

Instead she wore those half cami tops with a thick strap, exposing her shameless shoulders and covering her scarred abdominal muscles, along with cut off Alliance standard service pants, converted into shorts, of which she burnt the logo off and walked bare foot.

When she was asked about the burnt logo she simply replied that she wasn't walking propaganda. Garrus immediately caught on to her residing hate for the Alliance's actions towards her warnings during 2183 to 2185.

"It helps to remind me of who I can take credit for ridding this galaxy of Doc." She smirked as looked at the vast expanse of water stretched before them.

"You say that as if you're memory started to fade Commander. When you're my age it would be appropriate, but you are young."

"Nothing a good ol' concussion won't do Doc."

Chakwas chuckled. They got to their shady shelter and sat down on the long chairs spread by side. Samantha Traynor was already seated reading a book from the Starboard Library.

Shepard scanned the horizon and smiled at her crew. It was a combination of the Cerberus and Alliance crew together in one bunch. Even kids from the Grissom Academy had joined up.

It was nice, and everyone knew to _never_ mention anything relating to the Reapers around Shepard. Unless it was an amazing fight that they were all reminiscing but otherwise: zip it.

She had wasted enough of her life to be continuously reminded.

He gaze was averted to the beach. Somehow Daniels and Donnely had gotten Volleyball posts and started playing a game. Ashely, Liara, Vega, Jack, the two students Prangley and Rodriguez had joined up and were fiercely competing against the other team.

Most were in the water, others were elsewhere doing the least damage they can to public property – or else face the wrath of Shepard, or they were still on the Ship.

"Commander? May I ask you something?" Samantha asked, lowering her book to her chest. Chakwas had sat on the middle longchair as Shepard rubbed off the sand from under her feet before lying down on her own.

"Of course Traynor." She replied crossing her legs along the long chair.

"Why is it that as soon as we landed Admiral Anderson grounded us? It seems to me that it's an extravagant measure to take."

"Traynor, it is obvious that you have yet to know our Commander's true colours. If Anderson hadn't grounded the Normandy, Shepard would have left to another system for recon. Anderson wants her to take some time off."

"It's the only reasonable way to keep Shepard at one place for long."

The three women lifted the gaze behind them in a way that would hurt their necks if it stayed there for too long. It was Garrus. His chest was bare as the heat was appealing to even the turians, and he wore the equivalent of turian shorts that were, what a surprise, blue.

"Not the only way Vakarian." Shepard smiled. Garrus walked towards the three girls.

He chuckled. "Please Shepard, you haven't stayed in one system for more than a week."

She lifted her head and turned her body toward him, her toes now touching the sand. "Not true!"

"Name one." Chakwas lunged forwards to grab her drink that Samantha was holding for her.

"Earth doesn't count." Garrus said as he sat down at the end of the long chair.

"Or Akuze." Chakwas added leaning back.

Shepard didn't know why but nothing came to mind… she had been on Earth with the Reds for 17 years, then she got stuck for a month on Akuze… what else…

"Oh! There was this time where-"

"You were grounded on the Citadel Shepard." Chakwas cut in.

"Well shit…" She looked up, pensive. Garrus and Chakwas shared a smirk as Samantha giggled.

- She didn't know for how long she planned on staying on that planet.

But she knew that it was nice… some time off of fighting was amazing.

The SR2 still called out to her but… this planet's warm surface and joyous company made it so appealing to stay.

In the end Shepard had no answer to give Garrus other than: Normandy. The Ship had become her system. Earth be damned. She never liked it there… she never felt anything close to homey on that planet said _cradle of humanity_… Normandy was where she was the most and if she couldn't be within eyeshot of the harbour where the beloved crowned jewel was docked, she wouldn't have gone to the beach, to the dismay of many she was sure.

More and more people gathered around where Shepard was as the sun started to set. In front of Shepard was the great big firepit where most of the crew planned on counting stories or the where the dextros would eat up their food.

For the moment, there were only a few of the crew in front of Shepard. Contrarily to before, Shepard now had her hoodie and sat on a kind of log next to the pit. Garrus sat on the sand in between her legs, absorbing the heat her thighs gave off. Shepard chuckled as he managed to get his broad shoulders in between her thighs and grinned uncontrollably when he purred lightly, content of the new heat. She knew, after all, that turians hated being in the cold and, thanks to Chakwas, Garrus knew that in human females the head, underarms and crotch region give off a lot of heat.

Miranda, Liara, Cortez, Rodriguez, Prangley and Bethany Westmoreland sat in fron of Shepard around the pit. Miranda was filing new discoveries made in diverse systems, Private Bethany and Cortez started making smores and the two Grissom students chanted camping songs.

As colder air started to blow, Shepard could feel Garrus shiver slightly. She put her hand on his shoulder and scratched his exoskeleton, curious if her contact would attract his attention away from the incoming chilly wind.

She lightly passed her fingers across his back in circularmotions. He shivered, but not from the weather.

"Oh? What's this Vakarian?" She got closer to his _ear_. "A soft spot?"

He didn't even bother to answer as she scratched a little harder at the same spot. She looked down to where her hand was. Her fingers had dug slightly beneath his shoulder blade a little to the left. He twitched his mandibles every time she'd hit the soft spot.

"Do all turians have this spot?" she asked lowly.

"Most don't… I consider it a weakness…"

She giggled as he twitched once more. "A weakness indeed. Do you know how many times this could have been useful?"

"You wouldn't dare…" His tone wasn't threatening nor begging it was his negotiation voice. He looked up at her and raised an eyebrow. "I'll have to find your soft spot…"

"You'll never find it." She smirked glibly.

"Chakwas would tell me." He shrugged.

"Maybe… maybe not." Shepard answered.

She kissed his forehead and heard Rodriguez giggle. As Shepard looked up to the student, Rodriguez quickly looked elsewhere. Avoiding the gaze of the great Commander Shepard.

She smirked. Many did that now.

"So Rodriguez! Which tattoo did you get?" Shepard smirked. Rodriguez blushed as she realized that Jane Shepard had taken an interest in her affairs.

_Daww! She's adorable._ Shepard thought as she observed the flushed teen.

"Well… it's not a unicorn." She baffled out. Shepard burst out laughing.

Shepard stretched out her arms over her head, moaning as the aches in her body left. Her body was always tense in the morning… no matter which activities filled the previous day. Even Arts and Crafts made her stiff.

She knew: She tried.

She felt movement beside her and turned towards it, smiling. The turian in front of her had protested loudly against the camping sleeping arrangements, mainly since the presence of some alcohol was present, the previous night saying the he_ 'd rather eat a barrel of Thessianni Leaves than voluntarily sleep on the cold hard ground_. Shepard laughed, she should have made him eat that disgusting asari delicacy, the dextro friendly version of course, and make him shut his drunken yap next time, but doing that to her sweet, sweet turian…?

Nah.

"Uhuh. And you said that camping wasn't your thing."

Garrus fluttered his eyes open. He was glad that something was blocking light entry. Hangovers hit turians like you couldn't believe.

He took a good look around. They were in 2 military style cots pushed together, their blankets thin enough to cover them and not overheat them in the tropical heat. The Sun had hit the outsides of the tent's fabric, giving a warm and peaceful – as far as it went with the two seasoned fighters – feel to the room. Their clothes were folded neatly into their own respective piles; such was a habit Garrus picked up from Shepard. He hadn't known just how clean she was… well not until the Collectors.

"It isn't." The turian reached over to Shepard's waist and pulled her over towards him. " But you are." He nudged her neck as she grinned while giggling ridiculously. "I love that sound. It makes you seem childish."

She grabbed his face. "Says the purring lap dog." He chuckled but in mere seconds Commander pressed her lips against his lip plates.

"Shepard!"

Someone was calling her…

"Shepard quick!"

Wait a minute…?

"Hurry up Commander! You have to see this!"

"Son of a…" She grumbled as Garrus chuckled. She grabbed her shorts and threw on her extremely baggy shirt and walked out of the tent followed by an also baggy dressed turian.

On her way out she saw Liara, Kelly, Samantha and Gabriella, who had called her outside.

They were in a circle, blocking something lying on the ground.

"What's going on here?" Shepard demanded.

The women turned around with large smiles revealing at least 5 of her crew, two being James Vega and Ashley Williams passed out from the amount of alcohol from the night before. Garrus could remember that much anyway.

"Oh dear…" Shepard started chuckling, covering her smile with her hand. They've been like this for how long?"

"All night Commander,"

Shepard turned around to see Joker leaned against a post with his arms crossed. "When I came over to see who was gonna make an idiot of themselves I saw them all knocked out here. I got up this morning and they haven't moved."

"Imagine their hangover…" Gabriella giggled.

"Better yet, Daniels." Shepard smirked. Everyone looked at her. She walked towards her passed out crew. She turned the sleeping body of Private Sarah Campbell, one of the door guards, and they could easily see a very painful tan line and huge sunburn on all of their backs.

"Damn!" Jack laughed as she joined the group. "That's going to hurt like hell!"

"Nice to see your attitude hasn't left Jack."

"Only when the kids aren't around Commander."

Smiling, Shepard glanced in Garrus' direction. He was whispering to Liara with a look that could translate to puzzlement. She smiled even larger.

"Garrus is not up to par on human behaviour yet Commander?" Jack hit the Commander's shoulder.

Shepard anchored her feet _at ease_ in the sand, crossed her arms, swung a hip out to the left and chuckled.

"You have no idea how adorable it is." Shepard didn't break the eye contact she held with the turian for a couple seconds until he looked back towards Liara. She was able to read: _So… humans burn their skin to be… appealing?_

Jack chuckled. "Can I babysit?"

Shepard frowned a single eyebrow, lifted the other and looked in her direction. Somewhere deep down inside her mind, the idea of seeing Jack babysit was an incredibly appealing source of entertainment.

The biotic shrugged her shoulders. "It's either that or you call it Jack."

"Not happening." Shepard replied instantly. "If anything I might call it _Miranda_."

"You wouldn't …" she glared the Commander.

"Or maybe Tim." The Commander added facing Jack entirely.

"How about Saren?" Jack countered.

Shepard burst out laughing. _Ohhh this was going to be fun._


End file.
